viernes, 8 de febrero de 2013

Summers Suck

Since December 7th, I've been officially on vacation, which was supposed to mean working out, going out, shopping, my birthday, x-mas, new years, and other great things. Sadly, it ended up being me eating in my room, with almost no contact with the outside world whatsoever, no clothes, the crappiest birthday of my entire life, an even worse christmas and nothing good. Admittedly, I enjoyed new year's eve.
Anyway, I feel so shallow and full of crap right now, I've always hated myself but never to the point of needing to hurt myself badly. I miss my scalpel, yesterday I fantasized about cutting my thighs and arms, and I liked it. Which is my point exactly, I am full of crap. I even want to be bulimic, just to look good, because I don't see any other way of accepting myself, and let's face it, nobody else does anyway.
My mom just told me I always waited for things to come my way: clothes, a boyfriend, friends. I guess  I don't want that, at all. I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't want new friends, I want my old life back badly, and I want it now. But since I can't do anything at all to get it back I'd rather sit around and cry, because that's just how pathetic I am.